President.
What comes to mind?
Trump? Obama? Alexander Hamilton in some adjacent way? (You are always on my mind…)
Anyone think of a woman?
Mm. Don’t blame yourself.
If you’re a true Kingser, you’ll come up with Dr. Timothy Vine: the new kid on the quad who thinks he’s in charge.
But Tim — can I call you Tim? – don’t get too comfortable. You’re going down.
Students: despite what they want you to believe, King’s is still kingless.
Until Tim murmurs Latin to a room of his peers while dressed like Kermit from Muppets Treasure Island, we bow down to no one. Vine is just as presidential as I am.
Consider this a call to action. There is still time before the inauguration to swear in the right person. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m the president you want. Nay, need. Let me tell you why.
Like any self-respecting candidate, I scouted out my competition.
Strong leadership, a tight community and an even tighter budget is what Tim believes we need.
What I know we need is for our drama to live forever.
FYPers, you’ve read the Odyssey. You’ve read Gilgamesh. Journalists, you’ve heard the lecture on oral-storytelling five times now. But what have we learned?
It is imperative to our civic society that we keep the gossip flowing. Over my four years here I’ve worked tirelessly on my archival mission of preserving the oral tales vital to King’s culture. But my time is fleeting. My expertise in tutors’ romantic lives and generation-defining Kingcests may depart with me. How can we Sappho ourselves and lose our stories to time? How can we bring in an outsider to rule us? Ask yourselves: shouldn’t knowing the name Hilary Ilkay be a prerequisite to King’s presidency?
Tim plans to lead King’s, and yet knows nothing about Kant, Heidegger or Aristotelian physics. While this is an absolutely beautiful quality, Tim’s trying too hard to fit in with the scholars. Planning to deliver Lahey’s old Locke lecture, he’s clearly not leading from the heart. The leader you want needs to recognize his unique advantages and speak from what he knows. Tim’s got assets, we can all see it. But until he figures out what’s good for him and delivers a lecture on the art of suit tailoring and bowtie selection, he is not the man for the job.
Honesty is a quality a leader must have. So, I’ll be honest and say I am no martyr. Although in my presidency I will devote myself very altruistically to axing the Southeast Corner Project, uncovering the tunnel under the quad and exposing how the chapel recruited so many devout Anglicans in so little time, I do have my own personal motives.
When your job is president, you are a personality that cannot be turned off. Tim said so himself: when he stumbles out in his PJs to let the dog out (how cute!), he’s still president, and everyone looks at him like they know it. For Tim, this brings out his insecurities. People, you want a president that can look on the bright side: I view the lack of the clock-in-clock-out as a luxury. The old man wants to watch Heat again? Ex-friend wants to grab coffee? Sorry, no can do. That’s on company time.
It must be said that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing I sent Tim back to his former life as a healthcare CEO. Tim, whether or not you win the re-election, I hope you find comfort and safety in our increasingly anarchist institution. Godspeed, rival.