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Missionary Impossible: Lesbian Edition

Part Two of our sexual assessment: For Her Pleasure

By Gertrude and Alice – illustrations by Griffin McInnes – Feb. 17, 2011

Hey everyone! It’s Gertrude and Alice, professional rug-munchers, here. We’d like to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day, especially you ladies out there, whether you’re gay, straight, or somewhere in between! On this special occasion, we’d like to share a few of our favorite sex positions with y’all. One of the many unfortunate misconceptions about lesbian sex is that our options are limited. We beg to disagree. So enjoy, grab your man, woman, or boi, and give one a try!

Missionary

Basic missionary position (arial view)

This position is the meatloaf of lesbian sex, your standard on-your-back-legs-splayed position. Still reliable and enjoyable, especially if you are the one with your legs splayed. The receiver (at the risk of giving herself a double chin) can gaze through her legs into the eyes of her partner and take in the view, or she can simply stare at the ceiling and fantasize about whatever perverted cunnilingual fantasies she might entertain.
There are perks for the giver as well: depending on the strength of her core, she can use her hands to squeeze her partner’s boobies as she laps away. The downsides include the standard tongue ache (difficult to avoid in any kind of tonguing activity), and neck cramps.
Romance: 10/10
Hotness: 6/10
Effort: 8/10

Girl on Top

This one is definitely for the more adventurous/perverted couple. The giver has the privilege of either lying flat on her back or slightly reclined, propped up by a pillow. The receiver then positions herself on top of her partners face. This feels extra yummy for the receiver due to the fact that she is in control. So, at the expense of her partner, she is free to do whatever feels good for her. If the couple enjoys sub/dom play, this is a wonderful position for fulfilling those fantasies.

Girl on top

For the receiver, a strong core is required to remain upright, unless you have a wall or something to lean on. For the giver, don’t forget to wash your face and neck after this one to avoid smelling like salmon sashimi. If the sitter rotates to face her partner’s feet, this becomes the classic 69.
CAUTION: Few people actually enjoy being smothered. Allow your partner to take a breath once in a while to avoid death by suffocation.
Romance: 4/10
Hotness: 10/10
Effort: 4/10

THE CURIOUS MONKEYS

The Curious Monkeys

This is a relaxing, low effort position that ensures both partners are simultaneously being stimulated. Each participant sits cross-legged, facing one another. With one hand, each partner stimulates the other by penetrating and/or rubbing the other’s cho-cha with her fingers. The romance factor is quite high because you can gaze into each other’s eyes, kiss, and caress. Another possibility is to simply watch each other masturbate, which is great because it’s fuckin’ hot. Also, you can learn by observation what your lady likes the most: the best person at making a girl come is typically herself.
Romance: 10/10
Hotness: 8/10
Effort: 4/10

DOGGYSTYLE

Doggystyle

This is one of the dirtier positions. The receiver gets on all fours nd presents herself to her partner like a bitch in heat (hence the name). The giver can approach her partner in a few ways; if the receiver positions herself near the edge of the bed, the giver can kneel on the floor thus placing herself comfortably before her partner’s rear.
Alternately, both parties can get on all fours and align themselves accordingly, resembling a dog smelling another dog’s bum. For the receiver, the pleasure factor is quite high; some drawbacks might include sore wrists (depending on how long the session lasts) and paranoia of inadequate wiping. For the giver, depending on what she’s into, one of the main drawbacks is foetor-narice (or “poopie-nose”). However, adamant hygiene and Charmin™ toilet paper (no little white pieces left over!) can help prevent this stinky situation.
Romance: 1/10
Hotness: 8/10
Effort: 2/10

STRAPPING IT ON

The strap-on

For all those lezzies who enjoy penetration but retch at the thought of an actual man with a schlong, strapping it on is the perfect solution. It is however outrageously expensive: be willing to shell out at least $100 for the whole package. However, if you are really into it, you will definitely get your money’s worth in the long run. Unlike a human penis that may fail after excessive drinking, prolonged use, or accidentally thinking about grandma, the silicone dong will remain erect forever. The options are endless with the strap-on; almost anything a man can do, so can you (fertilization excluded)! One crucial drawback, especially if it’s your first time, is feeling like a 16-year-old boy losing his virginity. Awkward, to say the least. But, as they say, practice makes perfect, so don’t give up.
Romance: 2/10
Hotness: 6/10
Effort: 10/10

By David J. Shuman

David is a second-year journalism student at King's, is engagement/news editor of The Watch, and a copy editor of The Pigeon. He writes on student politics, campus happenings, and school news. 

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