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Missionary Impossible

So what if Valentine’s Day is over? Part One of our sexual assessment: The Straight Story

by Rory MacLellan and Genny Whelan

Our assignment: visit SexInfo101.com, a website that contains a huge array of sexual positions, pick a few, give ‘em a whirl and write an article about it. Seems simple enough.
Step 1: Pick a time. In a house with three other roommates (one of them a sibling), we can’t exactly go nuts at any hour of the day. We choose the hour when the rest of the household congregates to watch the new episode of Chuck.
Step 2: Select a few positions from the website. There were no real selection criteria, though Genny refused any positions with an animal name (eg. “Bulldog”). Rory was also reticent about any positions for guys “with pointy-down boners” as his boner is decidedly “pointy-up”. Noted. We also wrote off positions that required too much flexibility (seriously? “Ballerina”? Who are you kidding?) or strength (chin-ups are for the gym-slash-never). Positions were generally selected based on how interesting they looked visually, though in a few cases positions were selected based on reader reviews. These reviews did not need to be positive. For example, in regards to “Ex Sex”, one reader commented: “Let’s see: we did it, I farted, we stopped.” Though this was definitely meant as a deterrent, we both agreed that “Ex Sex” was going to be a must.
Step 3: Shower.
Step 4: Get in the mood. Rory suggests that a bit of oral sex to begin the proceedings might makes things “less awkward and uncomfortable.” Genny wonders exactly what about that would make it less awkward and uncomfortable, and counters that watching Hugh Laurie solve medical mysteries would definitely get her going. Rory agrees, with the stipulation that he gets to eat a whole bag of Ms. Vickie’s during the episode.
Step 5: Make the bed. Too full of chips for sex.
Step 6: It’s business time.
Authors’ Note: Sections of the following were actually written during intercourse. Both Rory and Genny wanted the article to have an immediate feel. You’re welcome.
We chose six positions. Here’s a blow-by-blow (pun intended):

Lunges

“The Lunges position is basically the same with the receiver’s front foot planted, but the rear leg is extended out behind them and between the giver’s legs. The giver simply lays on their back with legs slightly open.”

The lunges

Genny: While an excellent hip flexor stretch, the penis rubbed along the wall of my vagina unpleasantly. Also it was a bit deep for me. [3/10]
Rory: I’m worried about penises rubbing against vaginal walls as much as anyone, but I thought it was pretty good. Though there was some worry about getting kneed in the balls while getting into position. [6/10]

Bumper Cars

Bumper cars

“Bumper Cars is the rear entry position with the giver on top but facing the receiver’s feet…The receiver lies face-down on the bed and has the giver lay on top of them. As the position will put the penis at an unusual angle from the giver’s body (i.e. pointing downwards) care should be taken to not strain the penis further than it is comfortably capable of flexing!”
We couldn’t get this carnival ride started. Enough said.

EX SEX

“(This) is the missionary position with the giver on top but facing the receiver’s feet…The receiver lies back on the bed and has the giver lay on top of them.”

Ex Sex

Genny: Weird. A) It was really hard to get into this position. B) Once we were in it, I had a front row seat to his chota. [2/10]
Rory: “Are you kidding me? This is the position we’re having sex in right now?” [0/10]
At this point, we both felt a bit discouraged. “I was expecting that anytime P goes into VG it would be good,” said Rory. “This is shattering my faith!”
Could it be we’ve already mastered every excellent sex position? We revert to old faithful, finish up, and agree to try three more positions after another exciting House case and a recap of tonight’s Chuck.

PILE DRIVER

The pile driver

“This position has the receiver lay on their back with their lower back and legs raised all the way up so that their ankles are either side of (and beyond) their own head…This position totally exposes the groin area to the giving partner who stands astride the receiver’s groin to perform. The giver moves up and down on the receiver to create friction…This position requires considerable flexibility on the part of the receiver and it cannot be (fully) achieved by most, but it is wonderfully “naughty” due to the feeling of being totally exposed and ‘giving it all’.”
Genny: Looks awkward (and downright pornographic), but feels great. Maybe not an opening move as it proves to be very intense. [7/10]
Rory: A bit of a workout I must say. It also recalled that “pointy up/pointy down” boner conundrum you were all trying to forget about. Despite the name, this seems like a “for her pleasure” move. [5/10]

LEG GLIDER

The leg glider

“Although it is considered extremely difficult by the inflexible, it is a massive hit amongst virtually all who can do it. The receiver simply lies on their side, with their upper leg pointed towards the sky or against the giver’s shoulder, while their partner enters using a kneeling position.”
Genny: Also gets pretty deep, but feels excellent. Also I am happy to be lying down, albeit on my side. [7/10]
Rory: Awesome. Hip was a bit sore afterwards but I didn’t notice at the time… Weird. [8/10]

SUPERWOMAN

Superwoman

“Lovers can prepare for this ‘flight’ by assuming either the doggy style standing with the receiver’s back to the giver’s front, with the receiver’s hands placed on a sturdy flat surface in front. The giver grasps the other by the thighs to lift them over a couch or bed so they can reach below for support…As our heroine is suspended in the air, it is critical to avoid over-extending the back.”
Genny: I actually do feel like Superwoman, but this position feels overly complicated. I’m longing for times when I wasn’t required to do the plank to get off. [6/10]
Rory: It felt like were competing in the perviest wheelbarrow race in the history of the county fair. Hooray for teamwork! [7/10]

So boys and girls, it’s fun to drive pile with superwoman, and try ex sex. But there’s a reason the classics are consistent faves for us: A GIANT MORMON CONSPIRACY.
We’re joking, people. Don’t be afraid to try new things, but don’t be intimidated by the ease with which those soulless animatrons at sexinfo101.com perform the Golden Gate. Good sex is about what makes you feel good, so even though we had a few misses tonight, we still had a great time figuring out what we both like. And who knows, maybe there is a chin up bar in our bedroom’s future.
Acknowledgements: We would like to thank Sting for providing the soundtrack for our evening. Also thanks to NBC for providing captivating programs such as Chuck.

By David J. Shuman

David is a second-year journalism student at King's, is engagement/news editor of The Watch, and a copy editor of The Pigeon. He writes on student politics, campus happenings, and school news. 

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