Since January 2022, I have worked as a student library assistant at King’s. In that time, I’ve probably seen thousands of patrons come and go. Some seek erudition. Some seek a quiet spot for a nap. An alarming number just seek a place to eat room-temperature fast food. 

You might expect working at a library to be boring, but nothing could be further from the truth. One of the most interesting things about the job is that us assistants come to know almost every usual suspect on campus. “Oh look, that’s the guy who checked out the complete ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ DVD box set four times in one semester. And there goes that FYP student who didn’t believe me when I told them that Descartes’ Meditations on First Philosophy is a primary source.”

We see people at the highest and lowest moments of their academic careers. We see bright-eyed first years actually doing their readings, and people clicking ‘submit’ on their thesis projects. We see people pulling their hair out with stress during finals and sobbing after getting a grade back. We see flirty situationships and brutal hangovers, moments of creative genius and tortured anguish; the mundane, the absurd, the heartwarming, the disgusting. We see it all. 

Recently though, we’ve seen enough. 

The average library patron in March 2026 is louder, messier and generally worse-behaved than in any other point in my four years here.

To those of you on our wall of shame, I have a few words:

• The library is supposed to be a quiet place. A little whispering is to be expected, but nowadays, it’s louder than ever. This might be bearable if more of you chose to have interesting conversations (or at least entertaining ones). I should not have to listen to fratty first years rank the girls in their tutorial, or friend groups compare their wildest sexual escapades in outside voices. Don’t you guys have work to do? Seriously, it’s at the point where my boss is weighing getting security involved. That would be so embarrassing that I’m having a hard time even writing it. Please, for both of our sakes — just shut up.

• Only covered drinks are allowed in the library. Yes, coffee cups are allowed. No, cans are not. Yes, the rules are arbitrary. No, I don’t care — we’re being paid to observe them. If you are going to break them by drinking a Monster or an Orange Crush, please have the decency to throw it out when you’re done rather than leaving it for us to throw away. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve had to wipe a sticky pool of Red 40 off a desk. 

• There is no eating allowed in the library. Please do not eat here. You people are way messier than you realize, and wiping up spilled takeout curry or sweeping cookie crumbs off a desk is not exactly my favourite part of this job. A few weeks ago, one of you miscreants ordered McDonald’s pancakes. Syrup everywhere. Come on. And I saw the UberEats bag. I know who you are.

• Many of you have more than $1000 in lost items fines. Yeah, I know, they’re sitting on your bedroom floor and you just haven’t gotten around to returning them yet. That still doesn’t make it any less embarrassing. You know they won’t let you graduate until your balance is settled, right? Look — sometimes we have to do hard things. This one, however, really isn’t so bad. Also, as a general rule of thumb, we prefer you return your books without annotations in dark blue pen. 

• Your general tidiness leaves much to be desired. Some of you squish your used Zyns into a damp little wad and hide it under corner tables for me to find like an Easter egg. Some of you hit your dab pens in the study rooms. To whoever leaves used snotty tissues on their desk for me to clean up literally every single shift: don’t do that. 

I’m sure most of you are wonderful, and make working on campus a real treat. This is a great job, and we love most of you. But lately, we’ve spent more time babysitting you than helping with your research. (BTW: We love to do this! Come ask and make our day!)

We at the library beg of you: try to keep the noise down. Don’t eat. If you spill something, please come tell us. Try to pick up after yourselves. You don’t want to be known as that one problem patron that makes us groan when you walk in the building. So please — get your shit together, King’s. 

Sincerely, 

• Student librarian

Milo Fowler 

P.S. To the person who takes their shoes and socks off to put their BARE FEET on the tables in the study rooms downstairs: we see you. And we are judging you.