It’s time. You’ve been at King’s for about a month now. History and philosophy are moving a mile a minute. You’ve completed and submitted your first magnum opus in what is bound to be a long line of magnum opuses: your very first FYP paper. You open Brightspace — you find your graded essay aaaand … it’s a C. 

How could this happen? You were at the top of your class in AP English just four months ago! You’ve read Infinite Jest! Luckily, your friends here at The Watch Magazine have a plan to guide you through this cruel, unjust travesty. 

Curse your tutor.

Obviously, you are not the problem. You were your English teacher’s favourite in high school. Your essays were the examples your plebian peers had to dream of aspiring to. This, 100 per cent, most definitely, is your tutor’s fault. Tell everyone how much of a “hard grader” they are. They simply don’t get you. Sure, they might have a PhD and have had enough students in their teaching career to raise a small army and they gave you plenty of feedback — but who reads that crap? They are out to get you and you alone. Fight the power, baby. 

Tell your friends you got a B.

These people don’t really know you yet. You could tell them anything and they have no way of proving you wrong (at least, for a while). Stay humble, however — a B is much more realistic than an A, and it gives you the sweet, sweet right of being only a little bit of a snob. If anyone asks to read your essay, tell them you don’t believe in cheating. Everyone will either want to kill you or be you by tomorrow afternoon.

Mope.

Obviously, you aren’t cut out for this whole university thing. Everyone else definitely got a better grade than you on their first ever university paper. Take a nice, long break to truly wallow in pure disappointment. You can always wake up nice and early tomorrow to do your 120 pages of Aristotle readings. Today is all about you and your noxious cloud of self-pity. 

Throw yourself into your other studies.

You might be a FYP C, but you’re at least a Dalhousie B+, baby. Take some pride in that glowing feedback on your first French quiz. Do a scary Dalplex exam and lord it over everyone you know. Sure, it may not feel as gratifying as FYP, but beggars like yourself can’t be choosers!

Start plotting your triumphant return.

Maybe this one took you off guard, but the next one won’t. Get a headstart on your next essay by writing down vague theses in your notes app that make no sense. Dido is actually Aeneas’ dead wife, back from the grave in The Aeneid? Plato is a total quack who was wrong about everything? Why the hell not!? Throw anything at the wall and see what sticks. The world is your oyster, after all!